i am so blessed.  i have the job that i love.  a part time job that is stable enough for play money.  a family that supports me.  friends that go along with how crazy i can be.  and a boyfriend that adores me.

yet, dS is still in the picture. 
yet i can't quite give him up.
but i promise to try harder.
i pray for strength.  as it turns out, he is my favorite sin.

ps
sometimes, i look back and realize how blessed i am. 
how i take that for granted at times.

i'm tired of being your favorite sin.  =(

i'm not mad.  nor am i upset.  just tired.  i just want to be out,

i resolve to be a better girlfriend.

i really do.  and that means, giving up d. 
he's stupid anyway.

today, i'm breaking away from it al.  from dS.  from k.  from sW.  i think i just need to take a few days off to myself to discover wth is wrong with me and why i've been pushing people away.
 
last night, it just hit me how i've been picking random fights with k.  last ngiht, ti was because he hasn't been goingt o the gym.    the night before, it was because he was stammering.  stupdi stuff really.  but it seems to irk me.  i love him.  i've never been that certain about anything in my life.  but really, all i want lately is to turn off my phone and stop having to hear from them. 
 
i'm trying to entertain the idea that maybe i just want to be alone for now until i know the outcome of the "situation",  maybe until then, i wouldn't be able to feel right about anything. 
 
i just really want to get this over with.  it's just not healthy.  and frankly, i'm just not who i am. 

in a way, i'm partially glad that it's over.  he has the personality that i know i can get easily addicted to, if i had not already.  i knew that when he let me down last sunday, he pretty much gave me the closure that i needed.  one can only go so low.  and i have met my limit.

he did right everything wrong that happened between us.  he's back with her and i'm back to whom i belong.  getting involved with him made it all the more clear who i belong with.  he still seems confused though about abotu the D+T+C situation.  about what?  i would not know.  and frankly, i'm tired of caring.the drama gets tiring. 

i once told somebody that it takes time to get over a failed relationship friendship whatever-the-f-we-call it.  fake it till you make it.  i saw take it one day at a time.  we'll all get over that hill eventually.  even if the hill looks too mundane to conquer.