how did i ever get this far?

why have a locked myself in this guy's (who isn't my boyfriend) house, typing this post while he's sleeping in the other room?  why have i been helping him make better of his life, encouraging him to look for a job and building up his ego, when i should be trying to make my relationship with my boyfriend work?

does  that mean i love this guy?  honestly, i don't think so.

i think it's more so that i feel for him.  pity him that his family and friends are not around as support system.  i feel bad that he lost who he his by being in a relationship for 10 years that he can't even think for himself.  i empathize at his situation of not having a job, having to move from a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house to renting a room and having a storage for your stuff. 

it's like meeting a stray cat.  confused.  malnorished.  you want to take care of it, but you're allergic to it.  heck, you even hate cats.  but when it looks are you, and wants nothing but to spend time with you as you pet him, your defenses weaken. 

i have always had the support i need in life.  my parents doted on me, giving me everything i ever wanted and more.  my siblings were always there when i needed them (including when i don't need them  =P).  i have a boyfriend who is very much in love with me and wants to marry me and have children with me.  but here i am, risking everything because i felt bad for somebody.

i care.  i just do. 

if only i can stop caring so much. 

i am so blessed.  i have the job that i love.  a part time job that is stable enough for play money.  a family that supports me.  friends that go along with how crazy i can be.  and a boyfriend that adores me.

yet, dS is still in the picture. 
yet i can't quite give him up.
but i promise to try harder.
i pray for strength.  as it turns out, he is my favorite sin.

ps
sometimes, i look back and realize how blessed i am. 
how i take that for granted at times.

i'm tired of being your favorite sin.  =(

i'm not mad.  nor am i upset.  just tired.  i just want to be out,

i resolve to be a better girlfriend.

i really do.  and that means, giving up d. 
he's stupid anyway.

today, i'm breaking away from it al.  from dS.  from k.  from sW.  i think i just need to take a few days off to myself to discover wth is wrong with me and why i've been pushing people away.
 
last night, it just hit me how i've been picking random fights with k.  last ngiht, ti was because he hasn't been goingt o the gym.    the night before, it was because he was stammering.  stupdi stuff really.  but it seems to irk me.  i love him.  i've never been that certain about anything in my life.  but really, all i want lately is to turn off my phone and stop having to hear from them. 
 
i'm trying to entertain the idea that maybe i just want to be alone for now until i know the outcome of the "situation",  maybe until then, i wouldn't be able to feel right about anything. 
 
i just really want to get this over with.  it's just not healthy.  and frankly, i'm just not who i am.